Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
my shit smells like andre
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
