I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
