i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
