Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
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