I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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