got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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