It's just like the Real World with babies
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
