remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
