the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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