Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Green mimosas i think yes
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
