Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
