on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Randomize
