I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
