I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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