Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
