The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
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no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize