I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
