He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
