I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
