Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
