I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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