1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
