I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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