Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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