god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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