Midget sex pt 2 tonight
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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