I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
