I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
