The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
