so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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