dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
