i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my shit smells like andre
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
