All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
