i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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