Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
