Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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