I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
