Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
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He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
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so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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