She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
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Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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