i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
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i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes