Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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