remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
