Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
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We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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