just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
