Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
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The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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