Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
