Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
