she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
