Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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