What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
