There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
