I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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