I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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