I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
