if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
