is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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