I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have already put on my inside pants.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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