Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just invented taco cereal.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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