So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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