FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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