Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
