Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
