We're like a lot better than the average bears
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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